Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
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My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve