Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Turns out if you fake a heart attack every Monday work sends you to HR and not the hospital.
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Girls go to the bathroom together because that’s where we rap battle
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
You’d think that atoms bonding with other atoms would mean they’re being friendly, but really they steal each other’s electrons.
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
*cleaning out wallet*
Wife: Why don’t you just buy a new one?
Me: What? This thing’s practically brand new
*finds Nirvana ticket stubbs*
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Everyone prepare yourself for National “How is it May already?” Day coming up tomorrow where people who don’t know how calendars work tweet.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.