@thatUPSdude

Turns out if you fake a heart attack every Monday work sends you to HR and not the hospital.

You Might Also Like

@TheBoydP

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!

@edana_irish

Girls go to the bathroom together because that’s where we rap battle

@breeinthestee

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

@verycleverruse

Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*

@WisdomGifs

You’d think that atoms bonding with other atoms would mean they’re being friendly, but really they steal each other’s electrons.

How ionic.

@SondraDeeMe

[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion

@MondayPajamas

*cleaning out wallet*

Wife: Why don’t you just buy a new one?

Me: What? This thing’s practically brand new

*finds Nirvana ticket stubbs*

@UncleDuke1969

[driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.

@notshivi

Everyone prepare yourself for National “How is it May already?” Day coming up tomorrow where people who don’t know how calendars work tweet.

@punmagnate

“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.