DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
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*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found