My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
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true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!