I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
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*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
started wrapping my pills in cheese
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments