My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
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I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters