*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
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Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
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[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
True?