Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired

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Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.


Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.

Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.


Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.


My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.

Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!


My son just asked me how long he’s had a birthmark for and now I’m afraid to send him out into the world


Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?

Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit


[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

her: omg!!

me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water


Just saw a guy riding a skateboard, holding a surfboard. Dunno where he’s going but I assume there’s Mountain Dew there.


Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.

Who’s ready for music?

Not you.

You have tetanus