Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.

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[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot


ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?


older woman => young dude: cougarnolder man => young women: manthernolder man => younger men: faguarnolder woman => younger women: sheetah


me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?


“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”

No thanks

“Why not?”

I actually love streets


If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.


Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”


I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…


007: the name’s bond…james bond

me: nice to meet you bond james bond

007: just james bond

me: bond just james bond

007: no my full name is just james bond

me: nice to meet you just james bond

007: you know i can legally kill you

me: no, never met him

007: *draws weapon*