Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
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Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.