Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
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ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
older woman => young dude: cougarnolder man => young women: manthernolder man => younger men: faguarnolder woman => younger women: sheetah
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
I actually love streets
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
me for the last 400 days: I wanna go out
government: you can now
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*