*dont let him know you been stalking him
Him- so my brother just got deployed
Me: Josh or Brian?
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
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*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.