@PinkCamoTO

Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.

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@Canadian_Cutie_

First date

*dont let him know you been stalking him

Him- so my brother just got deployed

Me: Josh or Brian?

@AmericanGent69

4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute

40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.

@ClichedOut

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

@JediGigi

Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye

Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped

@OllyiConic

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

@bourgeoisalien

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

@Kica333

In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage

Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd

Doctor: Oh no

Wife: Oh shit he’s the same

@E_lok44

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.