Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.

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[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”


In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again


Daughter: You’re invading my personal space

Mom: You came out of my personal space


Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.


I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it


Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?


Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”


Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?


If stalking people is so bad, why does Twitter keep giving us a list of people to follow?