Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
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HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Lube but for my dry humor.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask