Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
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Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Breaking news:
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.