Turns out my top three hobbies are:
1) restaurants
2) bars
3) non-essential businesses

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Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.


Never laugh at a toddlers joke unless you want to hear it repeated 425 more times.


*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*


Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.


My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.


I had no internet or cable last night and I was left with my thoughts.

I guess that’s why the pioneers usually died so young.


Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.



Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: If you die early, I’ll marry my ex


Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”

Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.


I talk a lot of shit for someone who still says “righty tighty lefty loosy” before turning anything