Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
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[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Ron is short for Aaronald
the clam before the storm