Turns out, pounding a wooden stake through a vampire’s heart works even if a guy is not a vampire.

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Not at all embarassing when your newly potty trained toddler drops drawer and starts peeing on a tree… a fake tree… in the middle of a restaurant.


BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.

Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?

BFF: I hate you.


me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank


Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?

Me: Guess

Friend: What’s its name?

Me: Spork


[My first day as a garbageman]

Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.

Me: Goddammit


A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.


Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.


15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.