@amethystxmatt

turns out skrillexs music has healing properties: during a concert, a paralysed boy stood up and left

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@SolelyB

My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.

@briangaar

*rises out of ball pit* thanks for agreeing to meet me here

@TheBoydP

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!

@kellysdf

It’s important to know your neighbors by name. For instance, “Mr. Mean Old Man” and his wife, “Screamy”.

@simoncholland

One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.

@CornOnTheGoblin

date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel

@bdbdleeroybrown

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

@daddydoubts

My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.

@Cheeseboy22

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.