My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
turns out skrillexs music has healing properties: during a concert, a paralysed boy stood up and left
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*rises out of ball pit* thanks for agreeing to meet me here
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
It’s important to know your neighbors by name. For instance, “Mr. Mean Old Man” and his wife, “Screamy”.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.