If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
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Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low