@recursivetaco

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

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@kelly__le

Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?

It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”

@jake_lach

She’s like a cat. I don’t mean in bed, she just ignores me

@TheAlexNevil

Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point

@LackOfShame

Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.

@freypalm

Cowboy: Wake up Lou—somethin’s spookin’ the horses.

[outside]

Horse: [shining flashlight in face] But this “Apple Store”… HAD NO APPLES.

@SaraThomas84

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

@EddieHarris216

It feels weird when someone congratulates me for quitting smoking, because it’s something nobody should do to their body.

Congrats on not drinking bleach!
Me: Thanks. It’s tough, but the Clorox patch helped.

@onion_an

Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?

@KentWGraham

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.

@DamienFahey

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline