@recursivetaco

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

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@ArfMeasures

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

@Kids_kubed

Husband’s Last Words

I should start inviting people over more often so that the house can stay this clean!

@amandajpanda

The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?

@SondraDeeMe

What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.

@Token_Geezer

Job interview:

– Good morning

– Good morning

– Have you got a twitter account?

– Yes

– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you

@RiotGrlErin

Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.

@ch000ch

i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.

@cellapaz

Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?