Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

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I’ve been using my 4 year old as an alarm clock for the last month. Let me tell you, remarkably consistent.


I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked


You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.


The Karate Kid would be a shorter movie if Daniel had just bought a gun.


Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.


Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]


If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?




“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”