Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
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She’s like a cat. I don’t mean in bed, she just ignores me
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Cowboy: Wake up Lou—somethin’s spookin’ the horses.
Horse: [shining flashlight in face] But this “Apple Store”… HAD NO APPLES.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
It feels weird when someone congratulates me for quitting smoking, because it’s something nobody should do to their body.
Congrats on not drinking bleach!
Me: Thanks. It’s tough, but the Clorox patch helped.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
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