@LackOfShame

Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.

You Might Also Like

@WheelTod

Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.

@LlamaInaTux

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info

@JessicaVarsity

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

@FilthyRichmond

Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.

@CulturedRuffian

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

@crownjuul

Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you

@notalogin

I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.

@MarlonBrandNO

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

@RafflesWord

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.