Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.

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Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.


I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info


I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.


Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.


When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.


Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you


I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.



ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*


I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.