Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
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Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
This did not end as expected.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it