Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.

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him: *rolls over and puts his hand under the pillow* what’s this?
me: what, my snuggle knife?


I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.


[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.


Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me


My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.

I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.


Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31


Everyone suffering from diseases and natural disasters: hang in there, we’re liking Facebook posts as fast as we can


Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself