him: *rolls over and puts his hand under the pillow* what’s this?
me: what, my snuggle knife?
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
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I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Everyone suffering from diseases and natural disasters: hang in there, we’re liking Facebook posts as fast as we can
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself