Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
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If you love someone, let them sleep.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds