I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
You Might Also Like
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
*exercises sarcastically*