Turns out, the guy who invented CPR just liked kissing strangers then punching them in the chest.

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[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”


Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.


I say: “No, sorry. I’m not on Facebook at all.”

They hear: “I live amongst hill people where The Goat we worship has forbidden friendship.”


I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.


My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful


Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?

Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.


ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species


“To each their own”

Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.