@JB4Realz

Turns out, the guy who invented CPR just liked kissing strangers then punching them in the chest.

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@TheOnion

Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’

@david8hughes

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

@amitjain1002

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

@hotdogsladies

I say: “No, sorry. I’m not on Facebook at all.”

They hear: “I live amongst hill people where The Goat we worship has forbidden friendship.”

@ddsmidt

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

@MrGeorgeWallace

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

@JohnLyonTweets

Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?

Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.

@panmidwest

ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species

@KBChicken75

“To each their own”

Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.