Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
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I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
men, we mow at sunrise.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.