@StellaRtwot

Turns out those miniature liquor bottles aren’t for babies and now my brother says I can’t be the God Mother.

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@hdaniels_00

When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver

@realHamOnWry

Whoever said that the pen is mightier than the sword never tried slicing a cucumber with a Sharpie.

@Sarcasticsapien

I hate when someone texts me cause then I can’t post anything on the internet or they’ll know I’m ignoring them.

@thebabylady7

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.

@Marlebean

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

@KyleMcDowell86

He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.