Turns out those miniature liquor bottles aren’t for babies and now my brother says I can’t be the God Mother.

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When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver


Whoever said that the pen is mightier than the sword never tried slicing a cucumber with a Sharpie.


I hate when someone texts me cause then I can’t post anything on the internet or they’ll know I’m ignoring them.


2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.


This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.


“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.


He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry


This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.