Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
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Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
respect
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
bias laundering edition
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
the icebreaker
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle