Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
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One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.