@DanaSchwartzzz

Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread

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@TheBoydP

Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?

@AndyAsAdjective

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool

@HelsNotAllowed

My boyfriend isn’t allowed to go to the Zoo without me, he might see all his ex’s there…

@Kristen_Arnett

how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes

@KandyKoehn

me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!

@DaddyJew

Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn’t I?

@GabbbarSingh

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the c**kroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

@Lisabug74

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.