Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
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Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
ACED my prostate exam!
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.