Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread

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Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?


FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool


My boyfriend isn’t allowed to go to the Zoo without me, he might see all his ex’s there…


how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes


me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!


Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn’t I?


The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the c**kroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.


Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.