Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.

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The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.


I wish I were a celebrity so I could be wearing a person instead of a suit.


How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?


gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay

me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks


her: your frog jokes are terrible

me: so i’ve been toad, jen


Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*

Wife: Yes.


It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.


VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!