Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.

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me: i’d like help with my taxes

accountant: ok what state will you be filing them in?

me: i’d say anxious

accountant: no i mean what state have you lived in this year

me: oh sorry, depressed


Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth


Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?


How do Tie Fighter pilots see sideways?
How do Stormtroopers go to the bathroom?

*Star Wars thoughts that keep me awake at night.


My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.


(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one


Everyone quits smoking when they die, which sucks cause dying is a really stressful event that would be helped quite a bit by a cigarette.


I still remember when airlines gave you two choices; smoking, and chain smoking.


Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.


wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake