Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
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Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
this has to be peak English
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS