@Pork_Chop_Hair

Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!

You Might Also Like

@ScottLinnen

Slow down in those corduroy pants. You’ll ignite a bush fire.

@CheryeDavis

When I was a kid I liked my Jack in the Box…But now I prefer my Jack in the Bottle.

@Smug_Lemur

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

@drayzze

Sorry I broke up with you via interpretive dance.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: If I called your former boss right now and asked him-

Me: *smacks the phone out of his hand* don’t do that

@sambaintv

How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*

Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*

3: THAT WAS MINE!

@_ElvishPresley_

[riding crowded elevator]

Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make

Jeez Louise: five

@ShortSleeveSuit

[trying to ride a horse]

ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!

GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children