Slow down in those corduroy pants. You’ll ignite a bush fire.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
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Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
When I was a kid I liked my Jack in the Box…But now I prefer my Jack in the Bottle.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Sorry I broke up with you via interpretive dance.
Interviewer: If I called your former boss right now and asked him-
Me: *smacks the phone out of his hand* don’t do that
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children