Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
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Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search