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When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.