[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
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[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.