*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
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The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Google Pay be like:
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.