*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
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Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
The best plant holders?
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.