@JohnLyonTweets

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV

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@419BillE

*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*

@MrsTomServo

Women want men they can fix; men want girls they can save; I want a sandwich that makes itself.

@maymay72x

my husband…just pointed out d new strands of hair growing under my chin…..

someones not getn laid tonight.

@jaketapper

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot

@LuvPug

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before

@Kyle_Lippert

[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..

@EyeSeeYou619

WARNING: There isn’t nearly as much beer in the wilderness as Coors commercials lead one to believe.

@Tmoney68

“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….

@mablazarus

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.