*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
You Might Also Like
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
🐕🍷
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I don’t get marriage
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.