TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
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“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.