Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
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Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Waiting for the Charmin
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
“i am a sweet baby”
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!