[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
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Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi