Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
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I don’t understand how wild bears can eat all that salmon without a squeeze of lemon and some sea salt.
[texting gf across the table from me so the people we’re making fun of won’t hear]
ME: i can see you & you did not laugh at all
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Pretty cool how your dreams went from “Astronaut” or “Doctor” to “What’s the lowest I can get to pass this course”
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
me: holy shit
“I hate fake girls.” *a nearby girl’s coat busts open and four dogs tumble out*