@dave_cactus

TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.

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@VaguelyFunnyDan

Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me

@MartaEffing

I don’t understand how wild bears can eat all that salmon without a squeeze of lemon and some sea salt.

@panmidwest

[texting gf across the table from me so the people we’re making fun of won’t hear]

HER: hahaha
ME: i can see you & you did not laugh at all

@Bedlam_Beersie

HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!

HEATHER: You wanna bet?

@lisaxy424

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

@TheBoydP

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*

@Gupton68

HR: Punching colleagues is wrong

Me: But he drank from my mug

HR: That doesn’t allow you to—

M: I’d just filled it with gin

HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—

M: —ger beer…

HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!

@KKAlThani

Pretty cool how your dreams went from “Astronaut” or “Doctor” to “What’s the lowest I can get to pass this course”

@TheHyyyype

her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else

me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us

her: who?

me: holy shit

@someofmybest

“I hate fake girls.” *a nearby girl’s coat busts open and four dogs tumble out*