TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
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Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.