TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
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“We will wed,” I threatened
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Dudes named Chance never had one.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.