[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
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Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
#titanic
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house