
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
If I donβt post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.