[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
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Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Awwwww shit.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.