[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

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Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?


Lose wallet.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog


*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*

Her: Did you want to buy that?

Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.


If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that the best career choice is divorce lawyer.


I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”


– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet

– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car


MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.


My favourite machine at the gym is the television.


Did you know a falling cat ALWAYS lands in a single person’s apartment?