Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
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ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Watermelon Boss!
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it