TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
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Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few