TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
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Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.