1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
You Might Also Like
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
are they though??
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.