Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Tv: The abominable snowman is very dangerous
*obama walks in*
Everything okay joe?
“Uh yeah just fine”
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I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
The tattoo was temporary, but my love of dolphins shooting fire out of their mouths is forever.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
According to WebMD, I have a Client Error due to 400 Bad Request.