@SatansTongue

Tv: The abominable snowman is very dangerous
“Obamanible snowman…?”
*obama walks in*
Everything okay joe?
*nervously*
“Uh yeah just fine”

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@LlamaInaTux

Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who’s also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that

@T_Bonezzz_

I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her

@climaxximus

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

@weinerdog4life

If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.

@BevisSimpson

To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.

@TankCesar

The tattoo was temporary, but my love of dolphins shooting fire out of their mouths is forever.

@maebemarbles

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

@sip_at_home_mom

This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.

@joeljeffrey

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.

@danguterman

According to WebMD, I have a Client Error due to 400 Bad Request.