[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
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My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
A game married people play.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.