@RachelWenitsky

TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.

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@radtoria

amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”

@Parentpains

Good thing some people show their bare chest in their profile pic, otherwise we wouldn’t have known they had a torso.

@DelanieFischer

One of my favorite things about Walmart: the impulse buy is no longer a breathmint, it’s an entire rotisserie chicken.

@sincir3000

Boss: tomorrow is pajama day at work.
Me: I don’t wear pajamas
B: just wear whatever you sleep in
M: ok, you asked for it.

@notalogin

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.

@seancoleran

Girlfriend: Why is this broom broken? Did you draw a lightning bolt on the cat? Are you writing with a feather?

Me: Muggles….

@TitaniumToplass

DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?

@AngryRaccoon2

If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.