‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.

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Come with me and I will help you realize your full insignificance.


me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda


Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.


If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.


I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.


That moment of panic when you accidentally swipe left on Bae while getting food off your phone.


Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition


Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.