Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
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I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.