I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, there was a grim recognition of the fundamental uselessness of man’s endeavors.
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3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
[someone reading a beautiful poem in german]
ME: i have never been more frightened
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT
[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”