@TheTweetOfGod

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, there was a grim recognition of the fundamental uselessness of man’s endeavors.

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@Home_Halfway

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

@LurkAtHomeMom

3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?

@TylerLinkin

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

@senderblock23

[someone reading a beautiful poem in german]
ME: i have never been more frightened

@UmarHSoaries

They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink

@MrsMikePatton

I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.

@DanAmira

[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT

[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994

@JohnLyonTweets

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

@UncleDuke1969

[tattoo parlor]

“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”

“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“

“Wisks!”

“Right. That’s why I-”

“I’m weally disappointed.”