I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
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“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?