Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, there was a grim recognition of the fundamental uselessness of man’s endeavors.
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If you love something, let it go. If it doesn’t comeback, tell everyone she has herpes.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
When your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like your brother in law Steve
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”