@TheTweetOfGod

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, there was a grim recognition of the fundamental uselessness of man’s endeavors.

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@stenokel

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

@BestWorstAdvice

If you love something, let it go. If it doesn’t comeback, tell everyone she has herpes.

@thedadvocate01

Toddler: *crawling across the desert*

Kind stranger: *offers water*

Toddler: No, red cup!

@TheTimmyToes

(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*

@Gooooats

When your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like your brother in law Steve

@errdayhustlah

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.

@reallifemommy3

Me: it’s time to go to sleep

3: Nope, I don’t think so

Me: who asked you?!

@caseytduncan

A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.

@FailShark

God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.

Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?

God: Turn its frown upside down.

Angel: That’s not much of a diff-

God: Give it a sideways tail.

Angel: O…kay…

God: Punch a hole in its noggin.

@Cheeseboy22

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”