What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
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The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Not all heroes wear capes…
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.