*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
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“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Bread puns are on the rise!
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.