Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
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[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway